Hello, My Name Is Jess and I'm Ninety-Seven.

Hello, My Name Is Jess and I'm Ninety-Seven.

As I struggle with yet another bout of unbearable insomnia, my state of being is accompanied by the unrelenting lower back pain caused by a silly shower move. I'd love to say I was doing something impressive like mastering the ability to clean my hair whilst doing a solid handstand. Whereas shampoo was involved in the incident that inflicted upon me the most terrifying pain I have ever felt in my entire life (that has yet to cease), it was not while doing something worthy of YouTube or a coveted spot in The Guinness Book of World Records.

Reaching. That's it. That's all I was doing. Reaching for the shampoo bottle and thwap! 

Crippling, screaming, paralyzing back pain. As if someone took the liberty upon themselves to speed up my personal aging process by jabbing a machete into the base of my spine. Shooting. Pain.

Since that fateful Friday morning, I've gone through waves of extreme pain that render me completely useless. I'm lucky enough to have a great friend whose father is a chiropractor. I put a call into the office and will be whipped back into shape tomorrow morning.

Until then, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Drugs? Not helping. Rest? Too uncomfortable. Just Dance-ing? Flirting with disaster. Sleeping? I WISH!!

Naturally, WebMD and my vague (self-taught) knowledge of diagnostic medicine have led me to a few conclusions. Don't put it past me to suggest a few in my appointment. I'll surely be tweeting the events of my morning. She's been having sympathy pains and that makes me feel better. I mean, why wouldn't it?! Everyone wants someone to understand why the hell they are reluctant to take a piss because, heaven forbid, they tweak their back in such a way that results in their writhing in pain on the bathroom floor, pants around their ankles, and tinkle drops on their inner thigh. But Husfriend, I was just trying to wipe!! Quit snickering and help me will you?

My being under the influence is doing nothing for my ability to write besides chock this post full of obscure vocabulary and rambling. Oh the rambling.

Maybe I'll get better stuff come 10am...