Greedy, Envious Bastard!
Disclaimer: I wrote my first "fuck" in this post. Be not offended for it is done so light-heartedly. No promises can be made for the future use of the word. I'll do my best.
Envy. It's one of the seven deadly sins. Every blogger has it. A-list or Newbie. Some more than others.
Lately this motivational topic of "The blogosphere is a big, scary place, don't let it get to you." has been trending with a lot of the bloggers that I personally follow. I'm chalking/chocking it up to the slue of conferences in the past few weeks. Can't say I'm all that mad.
When I rang in the new year, I secretly resolved to myself to be a better blogger. (Didn't we all?) I've held up little some of a bit of my end of the bargain of that resolution. The other part, well, it was the part that was either going to make or break me. Or so I told myself. The part where I assumed (and we all know that when you assume things you make an ass out of u and me) the blogosphere would be so riveted, so intrigued by my writing that I'd shoot right up the totem pole (that totally exists) of bloggers to be one with the A-listers. When that obviously didn't happen, oh the multitude of ridiculousness that is I came and it came on strong.
Nine times out of ten, according to the survey I made up just now for the sake of sounding intellectual and researchful (real word), we are harder on ourselves than any troll, stalker, or lurker could ever be to our "face" or behind our backs. That's not to say I know from first hand experience the emotional toll a troll has on your psyche, but I'm assuming (there I go again, dear anyone, feel free to stop me from this vicious cycle) it can't be much worse than the mind fuck I put myself through.
There have been a few instances where I was acknowledged by a blogger I consider to be "A-list", "head honcho", "super-radtastically-awesome-stellar-to-the-max". I did a naturally unshowered-past-noon, hopefully-no-one-is-watching-me-through-my-windows, happy jig in celebration, but then stopped, over-analyzed the situation, and immediately became completely. bummed. out. I went from, "Yay! {Enter Whomever I Admire} totally read that super funny, lame attempt at witty humor, post/tweet, and liked it!" directly to "Why did they DM/email me? Why wouldn't they just leave a comment? Are they afraid of losing followers because most of the time I'm trying too hard/especially NOT funny/excessively using the word "fuck"/too young/too much of a nobody?" You see? DO YOU SEE WHAT I DO TO MYSELF?!
In the recent days, thanks to a lot of those CEO's of Amazingness I was talking about, I've been inspired to chill out. I've been able to reflect and look back at why I started blogging in the first place. I overheard everyone talking abou these new fangled, fancy "blogs" back in 2008 at a dinner meeting thing-a-ma-jig for an adult dance company. My interest was sparked because I've always had a secret passion for writing. I started one right here, where I still am today, as a means to keep the family and friends we have strewn across the globe, connected to the happenings of our lives and the milestones of our Nugget. Then, THEN, I fell into this world of mommy-bloggers and entreprenuers. I was a kid (no literal interpretation; please and thank you) in a candy store filled with gobstoppers of inspiration and chick-o-sticks of support. I've developed great relationships and taken advantage of some fun opportunities.
Cue the second deadly sin: Greed.
Now, the fact that so-and-so stealthily acknowledged my existence in this ginormous (another real word) blogosphere, is enough, but just barely. I want public association. I want sponsors. I want comments. I want subscribers. I want followers. I want to be invited. I want. I want. I want. All this wanting makes me want to smack myself with a frozen beef steak. Because no one wants to be the whiny, woe-is-me, stroke-my-suffering-ego blogger*. Yee-uck! I am this, luckily to myself, but now my dirty laundry is being aired for all the world to read. Duck. Cover. Cower.
So it's my ego. That ego that is in no way broken. The one that fuels my confidence both on the interwebs and in that dreaded "real grown-up professionally type world". The one that though sometimes valiant and strong, becomes too strong to be appreciated. Because, let's face it, we all have egos. It's human nature. It is what we allow those egos to do that will determine our worth, our status, our respectability. And now, a deeply profound quote that is sure to make your brain explode all over your computer screen, and in turn, defeating the minute purpose of this post to have you like me, really, like me:
8 reactions:
Oh, this blogging word is a tough one. I was having a great day yesterday and then found my blog torn to pieces on some awful site. And I totally can't shake it. But, I'm trying to remember why I started blogging in the first place: It wasn't for the free stuff or the recognition or anything. It was for ME. For me to meet people and have an outlet and keep a sort of baby book for my kids. And if that's all I do with the blog? That's enough. :)
2/23/10 8:54 AMOh, honey, I'm right there with ya. Or, right there below you on the totem pole. But that's not the point, is it. The point is that you wrote this poignant essay and shared it with the world. I love that quote at the end.
2/23/10 9:17 AMThree years come June. Three years...It's taken me this long to figure it out. But really I haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm like a roller coaster with blog emotion.
2/23/10 11:08 AMWe all feel this way!!!!
2/23/10 11:51 AMI'm just blown away that it's taken you this long to say fuck. I mean, FUCK.
2/23/10 6:26 PMIn all seriousness (wha? I can be serious) the moment you stop worrying about stats, followers, subscribers, supposed A-listers and all that BULLSHIT, is the moment you start LOVING the world of blogging, writing organically (and often better) and even gain the audience you were once lusting after. True story.
And this ego check will come again with a vengeance when Blogher comes around, especially being your first time. People worry about cliques (there are some, so?), not being invited to all the parties (you won't be) and wanting to be recognized when honestly that wasn't why you started writing *really* was it? The truth is, Blogher and blogging is what you make it and how you interpret it; so have fun with it.
For me, and I've only come to this realization in the last year or so, this blogosphere is about finding your people. The people that laugh with you and the people you are ok with laughint AT you too. The "A-Listers" are their biggest fans at times and yeah, some of them are complete assholes. A lot of them aren't but MOST of them have found their people and stick to them. Write because you love it, be online because you want to, and find things that you enjoy and have fun with them. That's all you can do. Where it takes you, who the hell knows but just enjoy yourself.
2/24/10 2:31 PMAlso, Megan is totally right about Blogher. It's a clusterfuck so you have to make it what you want it to be. Don't go in with expectations because you will be seriously let down. Just go to have fun with the people you actually like. Don't work to impress the people you WANT to like you because chances are, they like themselves a whole lot more.
Sorry if i have never commented before but i like reading your blog and totally get what you mean. I go through greed and envy about this blogworld all the time and then do a double take and realize how stupid it is. You keep doing your thing girl!
2/26/10 12:27 PMNo matter what others say, I think it is still interesting and useful maybe necessary to improve some minor things
7/4/10 7:24 AMPost a Comment
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