Watch out! Super special, worst mom in the world coming through! Or so I'm told...
Alright kiddos, we're about to get heavy and dark and gloomy here. Maybe we can try to attribute this hurl into a pit of darkness on the forthcoming holiday. I'm going to boil it down to a character flaw.
I am passive. If you follow me on Twitter, I'm sure you are WELL aware of this. I drop the F-bomb almost religiously. A lot can be said about a chick who drops F-bombs. She's feminine, articulate, and classy.
As of late, there has been a growing self-justification for the use of so many harsh words. I am expressing the innards. What makes up this very pivotal moment in my life. This step (or lack thereof) of the journey is a tall one with sludge and gunk tossing me all over the place the second I decide to try to conquer it again.
Before this past weekend, I would have my moments. Okay, they were meltdowns. The-world-is-crashing-down-around-me-and-we-are-all-going-to-die meltdowns. They involved a lot of yelling and crying, mostly at Husfriend. Bless his heart. Was it inappropriate for me to "take things out on him"? The sad part, not entirely. I write all of this with his knowledge of every, single, solitary statement I make. I've said this all to him. He knows how I feel. He knows what I'm struggling through. THIS. This knowledge he has. It's a first. I have never cracked open the door to my dark, scary place to ANYONE before. Not like this.
If you haven't followed me on Twitter, I have anxiety. BAD. Being a detail oriented, pre-planning freak like me, slight anxiety comes with the territory. In my case, extreme anxiety comes with my territory. One simple thing doesn't go as planned or presumed, one of those meltdowns happens. I strive so hard to make sure everything runs smoothly for everyone in my life, but the second something doesn't go according to plan...
The Apocalypse. No. Seriously.
And that, my friends, right there, the "make sure everything runs smoothly for everyone in my life" part, that's what started dragging me into my dark, scary place.
None of my life, as it is right now, is what I had planned to be taking place right now. Ere go, I feel COMPLETELY out of control. I am in this robotic mode, scrambling to make all the pieces fit together, to conform to this new and foreign land. I've never been good at puzzles. They stress me out. So a puzzle on this grand a scale is like trying to fit a cow in a hen house.
I love Nugget and Husfriend more than the world itself. Love is blind. Maybe I keep running into the same wall I thought I had demolished the last time the world ended. Maybe that's why we keep having the same arguments. Why the same things get under my skin. I thought they were handled, resolved, obsolete. I was wrong.
It all comes down to sacrifice.
Sacrifice.
I hate reading/thinking/saying/hearing that word. I have OVER sacrificed. Simply because my world changed in an instant, doesn't mean I should have given up everything I wanted. Why am I the only one making these HUGE sacrifices? Why am I the one without a core group of friends? Why are the people who were mutual friends now only Husfriend's friends? Why am I "okay" with no plans in motion for marriage? Why do I want to switch places and be daddy instead of mommy? Why are his feet SO heavy? Drag. Drag. Drag. Waiting...
It happened. The sentence every mother fears. Five words that thrust me into this pit of ugliness: "You are a bad mom..."
Ouch.
SUPER OUCH.
To my face the words were spoken. Spoken from a friend of Husfriend. Husfriend, who was just as "guilty" of the situation as I, yet received no sort of reprimand. Ouch.
So I'm coming out of my facade of happy-go-lucky and sticking it to the world that I am NOT happy. When I watch Nugget sleep or we are building block towers and playing dinosaurs. I am happy. Truly happy. Blissful. Other moments succumb to my despair, anger, anxiety, sadness. The sadness is paralyzing. Lots of tear-stained pillows and heavy bags under the eyes around these parts for a while.
We're working through this. WE. As in I am confiding in the man who is anything but an outward expressionistic type of man. WE are working through this. This fight around, he understands more because he knows that he, himself, is part of the reason for my pain.
I can't be the problem-solver, make-it-okay-er this time. I'm the one needing the glue and the steady hand willing to stand there and hold the piece in its place until it has set. Husfriend is my piece (peace) holder. Only a few days have passed since the exploitation of my demons. A few pieces have set. There are a lot more to go.
I will still be actively entertaining myself/my sanity through blogging. I'll do my best to keep things as light as possible. Dark places make for darker subject matter. Don't be too alarmed. Now, however, you know why. You know that I am working through an ugly mess I've allowed to grow into this colossal pile of disgusting trash.
7 reactions:
ive been in your spot...more than you know. the thing is, more often than not, chicks like us in this situation...well, we win, we come out on top stronger, more amazing, and with more of a will to shine than ever. my heart is with you, you'll rock this in some way or another, and dont EVER be afraid to reach out to me, a woman who married the WRONG man, had a child out of wedlock, had done rehab and jail, and still managed to have a career and an AMAZING child. i love you sister. keep breathing.
9/22/09 1:03 PMi'm sorry you are in the dark place. and i hope you did not believe the heartless person who said you are a bad mom, because you are not. you are loving, sacrificing (there's that word again), and selfless with your baby boy and the husfriend. i can be your tear-strained pillow anytime. no words/talking it out necessary.
9/22/09 1:56 PMI'm sorry you are suffering in a Dark Spot. I move in and out of Dark Spots of my own on occasion. I also can relate to the over sacrifice portion of your writing.
9/23/09 7:11 AMI am sure you are NOT a bad mom and I hope that the Husfriend can truly help you get through this.
Know that there are others who struggle with the same feelings, emotions, guilt, blah, blah, blah as you do.
Sending virtual hugs.
whoever told you that you were a bad mom ill freaking kick them in the crotch! they OBVIOUSLY have never been a mother. and if they have then they themselves must have been horrible. Being a mom is the most challeging thing in life. it is so rewarding too but there are lots of times when you want to hide in a closet and cry. (and i do) so whoever this holier than thou person is, give me their address and i will freaking egg their house. hows that for a good mom huh?
9/23/09 7:36 AMok sorry about the angry mob outbreak. I hope everything is getting better and im really glad that you are making steve take a part in the healing and fixing. men dont do it often but they should! and when they do it helps the relationship so much. good luck call me if you need anything.
wow... i love how people around us are so easy to judge our parenting. i have a very hard child, almost impossible at times. i spend 24/7 every day just cleaning cleaning cleaning and when i do get out its usually a disaster! i make sure that i get my time to myself everyday tho, and i think that's how i keep my sanity. whether its a run to the grocery store or to the gym! jessi its okay for you to have a life outside of having kids! you NEED a life! what alot of people (and mostly men :] ) dont understand is that a job of being a mother is the HARDEST job i can name and think of! and then tack on everything else we have going on in our lives! i think at times you can be too hard on yourself. ive seen you! you are amazing and talented and a WONDERFUL mother and steve and dylan are so blessed and lucky to have you! i hope everything works out for you, and remember communication in a relationship is key to success and happiness! we need to get together and play, because i am your friend and i get pooped and peed on too :] im sorry about this novel, but i will be calling you!
9/23/09 8:39 AMA) I miss your neuroses.
9/23/09 9:46 AMB) By all accounts, from reading your blog, talking to the Husfriend, and talking to others that I know are in your life, you seem be a pretty damn good mom!
see: Lauralee's comment.
You are not alone in your situation or your feelings. Believe me, as a long time sufferer of depression, the ups and downs come and go, it's how you handle them and rebound that really matters. There is a helpless feeling, that you should be able to control your emotions, but some of us can't. Some of us need help with the eternal roller coaster.
I would suggest counseling, but I'm willing to bet you're ahead of me on that one. If not, then let me suggest counseling. Talking it out with a third party that is unrelated to the situation is very helpful. Sometimes talking to friends just isn't enough, they have an vested interest, and a skewed view of the players, sometimes friends can't be neutral.
Love you Shuggilippo, I hope you get better. And if you need an ear to chew off, you know how to find me.
Someone said that and they weren't even joking?
9/30/09 1:36 PMI'm sorry. You are not a bad mom. Dyllan is going to grow up as normal as most other people will.
I would like to know what this person thinks of Britney Spears.
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