While I sometimes discount Klout as an unrealistic metric used to gauge one’s online influence, I’m not above milking them for the perks when I do reach the coveted “stellar influencer” status. (Did someone say 59?!)
Plus I needed some new business cards.
MOO(ch) on, freaks!
Last year, on recommendation of my friend, I read the first two books in the Fifty Shades trilogy by E.L. James.
While my fantastical attention was intrigued to the slightly taboo, BDSM subject matter, my literary attention was not intrigued by the poor grammatical and editorial matter of the books.
You may be wondering, “Well, if it was so poorly written, why did you read two of them?”
Well, you know when you keep staying in a shitty situation, whatever that situation may be, and it’s so cyclical and predictable, that you keep a tiny sliver of hope in the back of your mind that if you just stick it out a little bit longer, things will change and get better and you’ll reignite the flicker of the flame that once was? That’s why.
And do you want to know what happened? Not that. It never got better.
Fast forward to last week where I was recruited to appear in a segment on our local Fox news station to share my opinions on the book, in general. I made it apparent during the on-camera conversation with the reporter that I’m the “furthest thing from the sun when it comes to being prude.” Meeting me goes something like this:
Me: Hi! My name is Jess. Nice to meet you!
Them: Hel…
Me: VAGINA!
I went on to speak at length with the reporter about how I found disappointment in the series because of the mature subject matter, being presented in an immature, fantastical way with certain elements of victimization in the character development of both Christian and Anastasia. That it was offering a very skewed glimpse into the world of BDSM that, I believe, will do more harm than good in “spicing up the bedroom again for moms and housewives across the globe.”
Then I was on the news and in an online article, twice, as an “offended reader”.
Being the only willing contributor to the story to offer my name, a simple Google search of my name would immediately discredit the validity of any of the quotes from the anonymous valley moms about the book. (see: VAGINA!)
It’s quite obvious that this was a grasping for straws move on the part of the reporter, and I suppose if I were into shoddy journalism, I’d have done the same thing. I’d be sorry that’s a sharp jab, but my wound is still festering.
I’d be less upset if she’d at least attempted to guide the dialogue to get me to speak on the topic of her article/the segment. But that never happened either.
I enjoyed speaking with her in the moment because the conversation was intellectual, thought-provoking, and compelling enough for me to spend 45 minutes out of my day with her.
Now, I know that my life and character, in no way, hinge on one local news article about a silly YA book fad, but I think it requires a little clarification for the credibility of myself, as a human, nay a woman, with a brain in her head, unscathed by the taboo topics of the world.
I am Jess. I am not a prude. I am not offended by Fifty Shades of Grey.
I’m only an offended contributor.
It’s no surprise that I've gone through some physical changes and struggles with my weight. These changes came not from the growth of a miniature human, because ten days on the breast, the swift passing of a gall stone, and the lingering metabolism of my early twenties had me back in pre-babe shape by week two. I'd duck and cover, but there are women still hiding under the table after giving birth that will call me an asshole too.
No, the addition of the ell bees can be contributed to the cocktail of medications I was prescribed to treatment my mental instabilities. The bi-polar, the anxiety, the insomnia. Those bastards set up shop with no intention of fleeing without first leaving their mark. My tiger stripes can attest that they did their job well. Someone get those fuckers a medal.
Now that I've clawed my way (mostly) out of the pits of depression hell and have found myself in the happiest place I've found myself in years, I'm kicking those scoundrels to the curb and regaining my body in the process.
Weight gain is one thing. Weight gain riding on the coattails of mental duress makes for a whole new ball game when it comes time to shed the physical effects. It takes a strength that, for the longest of times, you were convinced you'd never possess. Pushing the mute button on the internal dialogue of self destructive commentary was and is the hardest part. Letting the positive personal reinforcement trump the eternal doubt is tough too, but surrounding myself with the support and accountability I need has made every ounce of difference.
Yesterday I posted a photo on instagram about almost being there. Back to the size and shape I know "fits" me best. Healthy, confident, and satisfactory is all I desire. I need not be thinspired nor waiver on the brink of being an American statistic. I just need to fit in MY skin.
So I urge you, if you're struggling with physical manifestations of your mental and emotional turmoil, that you know you're not in this battle alone. Please always feel free and safe reaching out to me. You can do this.
Just make sure you tilt shift your best ASSets.
The obvious perk of having a school age child is that when those coveted Number One Parent holidays come around, it’s a guarantee your influence won’t go unnoticed.
I mean, fingerprint flowers?! It just doesn’t get much better…
This thoughtful card is off to a really good start. *gets dusty in here* Let’s take a peek at the sweet message he has to share on the inside…
Um, thank you for describing your father in my Mother’s Day card.
As the gatekeeper of the office, I’m nothing if not helpful when my coworkers experience wardrobe malfunctions. This is to assume that wardrobe malfunctions are a regular occurrence around the office. Which? They are not.
Take, for example, a few minutes ago when a female coworker’s darling blouse became snagged by her beaded necklace. Being the good Samaritan I am, I leapt, quite literally over my desk, to her rescue.
I resolved the conflict because there’s nothing more unsettling than not resolving a conflict especially one involving snagged clothing. I immediately drew a diagram for…well, I’m still not sure why I was inclined to frantically draw the diagram. To better prove to my coworker that I was successful in freeing her necklace from her blouse? It’s obvious you can’t take me anywhere. Namely: the office I work in everyday.
I cannot begin to explain why her blouse is an abstract representation of the state of Texas, the reasoning behind the activity of the bead being depicted via light pen scribbles, or, again, why I even drew (and LABELED) the damn thing in the first place. Save your breath and don’t even ask, mkay?
I would attempt to write a step-by-step tutorial on how I managed to free the right ear of Texas from the necklace, but the Italian in me NEEDS TO USE MY HANDS. Looks like today is your unlucky day.
So, in the event of a wardrobe malfunction, please refer to the provided diagram.
You’d think that my emotions were on hyper drive this week because of The Shed or some other womanly hormonal injustice, but we’re Scott free in that department (that insight? you’re welcome) and finding ourselves swinging almost uncontrollably from one end of the emotional gamut to the other.
This tire swing hangs from the branch that holds my cuckoo’s nest when the universe aligns things that are simultaneously, remarkably happy and remarkably unhinged.
I find myself losing breath at something so trivial and silly. The next moment being deeply saddened by news of the passing of a stranger separated by a single, cyber-degree.
While I know I am an emotion-driven being (read: Type A and possessor of vagina that has born spawn), I also manage to keep The Swing a bit more under control. Right now, every emotion from joy to sadness, stress to relief, crazy to content has me thrusting my arms in the air to enjoy the ride or holding on for dear life.
There are a few things on my upcoming mental agenda that will hopefully alleviate the drama of EVERY LAST SHRED OF EVERYTHING OH MY GAH. It’s just surviving until then that’s going to make all the difference.
Hold me. And maybe touch my boob a bit while you’re at it, yeah?
If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you won’t be surprised to find that I sat down, in a virtual coffee shop, and picked the brains of half the mastermind behind Qwiqq, Jack Wrigley, to have him introduce my readers to its awesome power.
Sure, you could go to the app’s site and read the about me page, but, that’s what everyone else is doing. Don’t you want to be a rebel, a revolutionary, an operating innovator?! DON’T YOU?!
Check out the seemingly silly build-up to the critical need-to-know stuff I managed to weasel out of Jack:
1. We all love the letter Q. It sort of gets the shaft in terms of usage in everyday words so this app sparks our interest three-fold just based on its spelling. The letter Q aside, share with me what Qwiqq actually is.
QWIQQ IS TWO GREAT TASTES IN ONE..OK, THAT'S STUPID BUT HERE'S THE DOPE. QWIQQ EMPOWERS LOCAL MERCHANTS TO SHARE WHAT THEY LOVE TO SELL WHILE EMPOWERING CONSUMERS TO SHARE WHAT THEY LOVE TO BUY. TWO GREAT THINGS COMING TOGETHER ALL FOCUSED ON SELLING PRODUCTS AND SERVICES IN A COOL, FASHIONABLY AWESOME SOCIAL WRAPPER.
2. Everyone loves a good picture. Paint the picture of how yourself and co-founder, John Phan, gave birth to the idea of such a pivotal app for marrying photo-sharing with hyper-local exposure.
JOHN CAME TO ME ABOUT A YEAR AGO WITH A REALLY DUMB IDEA. (LAUGH) IT WASN'T DUMB HE'S A SMART GUY. BUT THROUGH A CONVERSATION, I EXPLAINED I WAS ALL ABOUT CROWD SOURCING-EMPOWERING PEOPLE TO DRIVE COMMERCE, DEALS, STUFF. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? MUCH OF WHAT I THOUGHT WAS COOL WAS BASED ON A GREAT BIZ MY WIFE STARTED IN 2007. BRINGING HIS IDEA TOGETHER WITH MY THOUGHTS…QWIQQ WAS BORN.
3. So iPhone users are the lucky ones who can get their hands on the app now, for fellow Androids like myself, what are the plans for developing and launching the Android app?
I CARRY AN ANDROID, TOO. WE WILL GET THERE. HONESTLY, WE ARE SO FOCUSED ON DEVELOPING A KILLER UX ON IOS FIRST. ONCE WE NAIL IT, AND WE ARE VERY CLOSE, WE WILL BUILD AN ANDROID VERSION.
4. In an attempt to get some of the merchants thinking a bit outside the box, what suggestions do you have for merchants to get their customers utilizing the app?
LOCAL MERCHANTS SHOULD USE THE APP NOW. ITS BEEN BUILT WITH THEIR FEEDBACK FROM 1.O WHICH WE LAUNCHED IN AUGUST. QWIQQ MAKES IT SUPER SIMPLE TO CREATE A POST OF SOMETHING A MERCHANT WANTS TO SELL, WHEN THEY WANT TO SELL IT AND THEN SHARE THE POST TO WHERE THEIR BEST CUSTOMERS ARE; FACEBOOK, TWITTER, FOURSQUARE, SMS AND EMAIL-TURNING ALL THOSE PLATFORMS INTO CONSISTENT SELLING MACHINES AND HAVING THEIR BEST CUSTOMERS INFLUENCE OTHERS. ITS SO EASY FOR A MERCHANT TO MANAGE THEIR SOCIAL PRESENCE WITH ONEQWIQQ POST…THEY WILL LOVE IT. SO, START USING IT. YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL FIGURE IT OUT AND START USING IT TOO. OH, DID I MENTION THIS IS FREE TO MERCHANTS AND CONSUMERS. THAT'S HOW WE HANG.
5. What type of resource is available to those interested in becoming beta-testers for future app development roll-outs or even active merchant or customer users looking to get help on use strategies? Even the "qwiqqest" need a little hand holding from time to time.
JUST PING ME. @JACKWRIGLEY OR JACK@QWIQQ.ME OR CALL ME. YOU CAN FIND MY PHONE NUMBER ON MY QWIQQ BIO IN THE AP, AND YES, IT REALLY RINGS ME.
6. In my personal experience using the app over the course of the past few days, I enjoy the fact that this app, though available for free, is not a half-ass, crash-y app. Tell us a little about the team you have behind the scenes laying the framework for such a pleasant user-experience.
WE HAVE ROCKSTAR DEVELOPERS WORKING WITH US. SUPER TALENTED GROUP DEVOTED TO JOHN'S AND MY DESIRE TO DELIVER A QUALITY PRODUCT THAT IS FUN TO USE. IT TAKES TIME, TALENT AND DILIGENCE TO PRODUCE SOMETHING GREAT. WE ARE VERY PROUD OF QWIQQ.
7. Finally, what type of journey do you see for Qwiqq in the next year? Where are you going? What rad things do you plan to see along the way? We'd love a sneak peek of your soon-to-be-scrapbook.
THE WORLD'S OUR OYSTER! OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. LISTEN, QWIQQ IS THE FIRST SOCIAL NETWORK FOCUSED ON COMMERCE. IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE BUILT TO SELL STUFF SOCIALLY AND HYPER-LOCALLY. WE PLAN TO ADD FEATURES THAT MAKE IT EVEN BETTER FOR MERCHANTS AND CONSUMERS FROM DIGITAL COUPON INTEGRATION (PRIMARILY FOR MERCHANTS) TO PRESSING "BUY" TO COMPLETE THE CONSUMER TRANSACTION. ITS ALL COOL AND WILL CONTINUE OUR QUEST TO BE A BIT DISRUPTIVE IN THE MARKETPLACE. ALWAYS WITH AN EYE ON MAKING THINGS EASIER AND MORE EFFICIENT FOR MERCHANTS AND CONSUMERS.
I mean how “my people” are these people?!
Download the app from the app store today and get to sharing the stuff you love locally! Everyone wins, here guys. Everyone.
There’s quite the controversy and low approval rating for Facebook’s recent acquisition of popular photo sharing app, Instagram. If you live under an rock where even the rare-to-find ant is unfamiliar with The Internet, this should catch you up to speed. And that’s straight from the Zuckerhorse’s mouth folks because it has become damn near impossible to find a neutral article from anywhere else about the acquisition. I take that back. It’s absolutely impossible to find a neutral article anywhere else about the acquisition.
Now I was an early adopter of the Facebook platform for personal use, and while I understand the general population’s inevitable inability to embrace and accept change, what I don’t understand is that same population, who voluntarily take advantage of the applications and platforms available to them (in this case Instagram & Facebook), are so uproariously thrusting themselves off of the proverbial Instagram bandwagon because of…wait for it…a smart business decision, designed to enhance users’ photo sharing experience. Enhance, not hinder, but self-appointed hindrance has already begun. This after words were shared on the internet and before the deal has even officially closed. With such rampant speculation afoot from the naysayers, my guess is that they got their information from ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THE ZUCKERHORSE’S MOUTH. Because…
“We believe these are different experiences that complement each other. But in order to do this well, we need to be mindful about keeping and building on Instagram's strengths and features rather than just trying to integrate everything into Facebook.” –Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook
I’ve already, made my snarky comments on Twitter, not so much about the reality of the acquisition, but about the unknown reality everyone is foreseeing as a result.
I implore you, oh soapboxed interneters, to shimmy on up there and share your thoughts on the acquisition. Be calm and collected and rational, or just be plain old crazy, out-of-control, conspiracy theorist. Your comments are graciously welcomed either way. Because that? Is the glorious nature of the internet.
A blanket statement that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever for a few reasons:
1. I’ve never been able to cry on cue.
2. I can fluff the hell out of situations, exaggerating its ass off, but only in written word.
3. My eyebrows are the only expressive facial feature I possess.
4. I’m actually just convinced I could be a comedic actress. Preferably slap-stick, sketch work. Someplace where weird and ridiculous and slightly confusing but eerily hilarious all go to party…with weed.
All of this because I fell into a YouTube wormhole of audition tapes for motion picture films, assumedly so, all for comedy films. To see the raw, stripped down environment that those comedians flaunt their talents? Holy balls. No wonder they get paid the big bucks.
For now I’ll stick with corny jokes with co-workers, witty quips on the interwebs, and general random acts of hilarity in my daily life.
Ya know, until Hollywood comes a-knockin’…
That’s how it works right?
©2008-2011 shuggilippo | designed by Shugg Media
